"I know what I want, and I want that." - Emily Grace Whebbe

I'm quite certain I've been accused of not knowing what I want many times in my life, or rather, only thinking I know what I want. I'm also quite certain that I've been accurate in knowing what I want in these instances, even if I only want the item in question in that moment, and later, change my mind. In these 25 years, I've learned that I don't like waiting, I don't like people telling me what I want, or worse, what I feel, and that my stomach is usually a good indicator of what I want being in the actual best interest of me, again, even if only in that moment. I waste little time deciding, and instead, spend more time thinking of ways to get what I want. I frustrate easily when people don't know what they want. I'll hold to this day, that most people know what they want, they are just insecure or fearful to voice it. Only when it is voiced can it become reality. Harville Hendrix, author of "Getting the Love You Want" would be proud of that previous sentence. Waiting for what I want, either because of my own or others' personal growth, change, or situation, has really been the major limiting factor in actually getting what I want.

I've always been good at waiting, but never liked it. This can also be said about other things: dealing with customers/vendors/clients on the phone, sitting in the dentist's chair for long lengths of time, driving (don't worry mom, I'm not trying to jinx this), eating boring salads, etc. The truth is, I rarely do things I don't like. Consequently, I'd probably have more money if I did. Nonetheless, there are times where I have no choice but to do things I simply don't want to do. "I'd rather be x" bumper stickers were made for times like these, only, I feel anyone who is so compelled to adhere with semi-permanent glue their feelings of constant longing is probably in a rare state of dissatisfaction that I've probably never experienced. Maybe I won't know that I've hit the point of no return until I am likewise compelled to broadcast my interests on vinyl prints and drive a car 20 mph in the left lane, because really, who wouldn't rather be crafting.

Thus, this entry is spurred from my state of waiting, and not without many things to complete in the meantime. I have a whole list of responsibilities, electronically compiled so I don't simply "lose" the list. It's amazing how duration and time bends and morphs in the mind. Two weeks from now, these moments will feel small, short, almost impossible to sort and remember individually. Weeks will feel like a few days, hours, likewise as a few minutes. But now, two weeks feel like months, perhaps years, with every moment taking it's time to portray it's supposed grandure. This is the effect of anticipation on the concept of time. It's simple, everyone experiences it, and I'll surely experience it again. At times, the opposite effect can occur: where two weeks is suddenly expedited into moments and seconds. I'm thinking this is because of dreaded future events, or lists of things that need to be done in a somehow impossible time frame, but I'm trying to discover a way to reverse the effect of my anticipation without the negative symptoms above being the culprit. I've been unsuccessful so far.

In the time I've taken to write this, I've been thinking of things that I'm good at but do not like doing. I cannot think of many, but rather, think of things I'm not good at and do not like doing, or things I'm good at and do like doing. For example, I'm not good at preparing meals for myself, and likewise, I do not enjoy doing so. I'm good at talking, I like doing so. I think this further portrays that I rarely do things I don't want to do. I know what I want to do, and I'll probably do it.