I was going to go to bed long ago. Then I started listening to a song I haven't heard in awhile. I know I can learn to play it on the piano, but the house doesn't stir enough to make playing music on the apparatus fair game. Today, or this week, or some hour around now marks 3 years of my beloved dog Lucky's death. I shared 17 years of my life with her and to this day I still open the door to my mother's home slowly, waiting for her to wag her little self around it's edge and paw my legs, squirming so. She doesn't.

I am 25 and I am still grounded by the same things I was when I was 8, or 10, or 12. When I get upset, I still jump on my bike and ride as far as I can before I lose my breath (which at least has gotten further as I've aged as I don't have to ask permission to push my boundaries anymore). Likewise, being upset also welcomes the idea of playing music. The only difference is, now I have more instruments. I'm not sure if I'm better at playing, but I can at least almost grasp the coordination of singing along to my orchestration. I still have the same song swirling my head each day, the same chord progressions only they've grown to full orchestral arrangements. One day I'll get them in writing or audio.

I am the same person my child-self was: when I am happy, I laugh and jump around the house. When I am nervous I eat or clean. When I cannot sleep, I cry as my anxiety rises. I still keep a journal, only now I have 3: one for traveling, one for the most emotional times, and one for the public (this). When I travel I still want to stay away forever, tirelessly trying to morph my plans to enable me to stay wherever I explore. I have big ideas, but still trust others if they they tell me otherwise. I still ask questions. I am still endlessly curious and would rather have you teach me how to do something rather than have you do it for me, except cook dinner. You can cook dinner for me anytime and I will gladly enjoy it. I still would rather have dessert first, or only have dessert, no meal. When I grow up, I no longer want to be a dog, but there are still times I wouldn't mind being a bird so I could fly high in willow trees.

I am not surprised I am still like my child-self. I do wonder, however, if I'll be a similar person in 20 years as I am now. I'm sure some things will change, but I'm know I'll still just want to create music and ride my bike.