"I know what I want, and I want that." - Emily Grace Whebbe

For some reason February 15, 2010 is clear in my mind today. It might not be sometime in the future, so here is my account in detail:

I've been thinking a lot lately, mostly because I've quarantined myself due to sickness, but also because I find myself having a lot to think about; a sort of perpetual state for me. I haven't been this sick in years, and it's frustrating because I'm not too sick to go to work, or maybe I am, but I can still function, and I'm still well enough to eat. Still, my head pounds and I have trouble regulating my body temperature. Enough of this. I want to get better. I feel like a little kid who broke her arm and is thinking of all the things she'll do when she gets the cast off.

I biked along the ocean yesterday. Rolling hills, lava flows mixed with deep, wet forests lined my path. We started at the farm, Nathan and I, and journeyed to the Kalani Ecstatic Dance which happens every sunday morning. People call it church, but it's hard for me to compare the two. We danced, freely, openly, lovingly. The open air studio has a sweeping view of the sea: I faced it with the energy of a hundred people behind me. I felt their vibrations in my shoulders, moved it down my back, and danced my little heart out. It was quite spectacular, especially after a rainy bike ride there.

I could be watching a movie right now, but have chosen to write instead. I guess the modern amenities I used to enjoy have been boiled down to simply using my computer to write. This land is incredibly beautiful, even when the night sky darkens to only a moonlight's worth of brightness, so much so that it pretty much apprehends any desire to be anywhere else but totally immersed in it. I'm being beckoned now to sit in the meadow with my new friends and drink a beer, something that has become somewhat of a treat for us. It's amazing watching the group grow and change.

I finally feel like this is the woman I am inside, finally granted permission and space to be external, to be real. I feel free and open to what's inside of me, but more importantly, open to the beauty of what surrounds me, as if i've embraced it's reality and accepted it for what it is, beautiful or not. My soul attaches and lends to others and my smile eases a portal to a wordless embrace, one I can valiently share with others. My heart is light yet heavy with love filling it, each day embellishing one more element of beauty I am so lucky to feel.

My first computer venture since I've been here. I absolutely love this life. The long journey here had dumped me in the middle of a homesick mind, and I was merely 28 hours into my journey. The car ride to the farm was a blur, interrupted by a few pleasantries: rombutan and the ocean. Fred decided to stop at Richardson's beach on the way out of Hilo as we had some time before the farm. On the way we stopped at the farmer's market which graced us with fruits I could barely identify.

I mentioned I met three interesting people. I'll wait to write about them until I get out this about #4. He is not interesting at all actually, he is quite lonely and awkward. I'm sitting at the only cafe I can find in the airport after exiting security accidentally, waiting for my ride to the farm. I'm really only sitting in here for the power outlet next to me. There is a TV in here and he is watching it: Regis and Kelly. They're talking about the earthquake that hit Haiti sometime during my journey.

I can't believe I forgot my journal. It will have to be all electronic for the following weeks which will be a little less random, a little more planned, but probably more efficient. This February marks 3 years from my last panic attack, on a plane which is where I find myself now, flight two of three to Hawaii. I've gone from not being able to fly uninterrupted by anxiety, even with my most comforting of people to flying completely alone and being able to sleep. Granted I find my body a little too excited and my mind too thoughtful to rest sufficiently.

Today I finished my first full-length, lyrics + instrument song. It has verses, a variable chorus, a beginning, an end, a middle sufficient enough to call it full, and it lasts about 4 minutes 25 seconds. I've written countless half, quarter, tiny songs, melodies, and all too terrible of things to actually call songs. This one is different, and I finally got the closure I've been working towards for basically years now. I play parts of songs on each instrument I have, never finishing, never really starting, just jumping into chord progressions.